Friday, March 30, 2012

Doubt has found me again, and she's keeping pretty good pace with me...

Here it is, the day before the next race, just a 5K - and I'm worried I won't be able to finish the course.  The fundraising is complete (we did pretty good!), I might even get a t-shirt in addition to the bib.  Bib will go in the scrapbook that will be made this year's end, the t-shirt - into the pile o' post-workout wear.  You know, those clothes you put on just to get from the gym to the house before cleaning up.  No, I don't train in the nude (egads), but when I'm done with a training session - there is not one iota square inch of dry clothing on me - if it weren't for the wonders of chemistry, I bet the mascara would be dripping down the neck too.

If I'm so worried because of the current discomfort* I'm feeling, then why am I so darn determined to run all these races I've registered for?  Perhaps it can be said:

"You can keep going and your legs might hurt for a week or you can quit and your mind will hurt for a lifetime." ~Mark Allen

* Right Piriformis is a 6 out of 10 today
* Right Peroneus is a 7 out of 10 today
* Right outer hip is a dull 4 out of 10 today
* Right shin is kind of tingly/numb at the moment

So I run, because I've been in those funks, those ebbs - I'm in one now - and I want this training to mean something.  I want this physical therapy to work, and I want to demonstrate it works.  I may not be 100% today, but I have definitely improved since February 25th and I plan to only improve further.  Slow down young grasshopper, slow down...

...and I have.  Which is why I'm worried, which is why doubt has found me - she knows all too well the easiest place to look for me are in those ebbs of fear, anxiety and worry.  I'm not running the distances I should be at this stage in my preparations for the 1/2 marathons coming up this spring/summer.  So now my mind is blown - do I go to the races and use the run/walk technique?  Do I run until I literally fall to pieces?  If I stop to walk, the mind will forever remind me that I failed.  Meanwhile logic and sensibility will do their best to rationalize that there are still a couple decades of life left to this body - try to get to the end of the timeline with most of the body still left intact.

So how do I push through the discomfort and continue to train for something I'm not even sure I will be able to do?  Support crew - for me it's about the support I have received from the best of friends and family.  I will be always indebted to my Sensei, his training and the level of knowledge he shared with me will always be remembered.  My parents always give encouragement, shoot, if I ever complain about this stuff to them, they would just reply, "be grateful that you still have both legs".  [There's a story behind that, bound to share that one some day!]  ...and they are right, slow down grasshopper, slow down... and my running sherpa, my 'half-cell', my voice of reason and simultaneously voice of mischief.  She knows who she is ;)  Don't you Laurie :)  All of the folks I've met in my life have crossed paths with me for various lengths of season - and each one for a reason.

Just like this piriformis syndrome, I am learning so much from this injury.  It is likely to be with me forever (so it seems, hence the term 'syndrome, 'eh?) so I learn, I live through it, and hopefully, I will be able to just keep on running.

Here's to a completed course to report back on tomorrow!


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